Communication Skills

1. Stay Focused: Sometimes it’s tempting to bring up past seemingly related conflicts when dealing with current ones. Unfortunately, this often clouds the issue and makes finding mutual understanding and a solution to the current issue less likely. Try not to bring up past hurts or other topics. Stay focused on the present, your feelings, understanding one another and finding a solution.
2. Listen Carefully: People often think they’re listening, but are really thinking about what they’re going to say next when the other person stops talking. Truly effective communication goes both ways. While it might be difficult, try really listening to what your friend is saying. Don’t interrupt. Don’t get defensive. Just hear them and reflect back what they’re saying so they know you’ve heard. Then you’ll understand them better and they’ll be more willing to listen to you.
3. Try To See Their Point of View: In a conflict, most of us primarily want to feel heard and understood. We talk a lot about our point of view to get the other person to see things our way. Ironically, if we all do this all the time, there’s little focus on the other person’s point of view, and nobody feels understood. Try to really see the other side, and then you can better explain yours. (If you don't 'get it', ask more questions until you do.) Others will more likely be willing to listen if they feel heard.
4. Respond to Criticism with Empathy: When someone comes at you with criticism, it’s easy to feel that they’re wrong, and get defensive. While criticism is hard to hear, and often exaggerated or colored by the other person’s emotions, it’s important to listen for the other person’s pain and respond with empathy for their feelings. Also, look for what’s true in what they’re saying; that can be valuable information for you.
5. Own What’s Yours: Realize that personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you’re wrong. If you both share some responsibility in a conflict (which is usually the case), look for and admit to what’s yours. It diffuses the situation, sets a good example, and shows maturity. It also often inspires the other person to respond in kind, leading you both closer to mutual understanding and a solution.
6. Use “I” Messages: Rather than saying things like, “You really messed up here,” begin statements with “I”, and make them about yourself and your feelings, like, “I feel frustrated when this happens.” It’s less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view rather than feeling attacked.
7. Look for Compromise Instead of trying to ‘win’ the argument, look for solutions that meet everybody’s needs. Either through compromise, or a new solution that gives you both what you want most, this focus is much more effective than one person getting what they want at the other’s expense. Healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with.
8. Take a Time-Out: Sometimes tempers get heated and it’s just too difficult to continue a discussion without it becoming an argument or a fight. If you feel yourself or your friend starting to get too angry to be constructive, or showing some destructive communication patterns, it’s okay to take a break from the discussion until you both cool off. Sometimes good communication means knowing when to take a break.
9. Don’t Give Up: While taking a break from the discussion is sometimes a good idea, always come back to it. If you both approach the situation with a constructive attitude, mutual respect, and a willingness to see the other’s point of view or at least find a solution, you can make progress toward the goal of a resolution to the conflict. Unless it’s time to give up on the friendship, don’t give up on communication.
10. Ask For Help If You Need It: If one or both of you has trouble staying respectful during conflict, or if you’ve tried resolving conflict with your friend on your own and the situation just doesn’t seem to be improving, you might benefit from a few sessions with a counselor. In the sessions, you can learn skills to resolve future conflicts. If your friend doesn’t want to go, you can still often benefit from going alone.

Information obtained from: http://stress.about.com/od/relationships/ht/healthycomm.htm

 

TIPS ON BECOMING MORE ASSERTIVE

 1.      Use Confident Body Language

• Look the person straight in the eye; don’t look down or away
• Keep your body straight; don’t slouch.
• Keep your hands at your sides or in your lap.  Don’t tap the table, fiddle with your hair or jewelry, fold your hands across your chest, or point your fingers at the other person. 

 

2.      Be a Good Listener

• Give your full attention to the person who’s speaking.
• Show your interest by responding.  Don’t simply not your head in agreement.
• Briefly summarize in your own words what the person said.  It helps eliminate misunderstandings.

 

3.      Respect Yourself

• Realize that you are worthy and have something to offer.  Your ideas are important, and others can benefit from them.

 

4.      Evaluate your strengths and weaknesses

• Recognize those things you do well; don’t discount them because they’re easy for you.
• Take gradual steps toward overcoming your weaknesses.  Reward yourself as you improve. 

5.      Respect Others

• Everybody has the right to express feelings and opinions.
• Don’t confuse assertion with aggression.  There’s no need to threaten, punish, or manipulate other people.  If you treat them with respect, they’ll treat you with respect. 

 

Practicing Your Assertive Skills

 

•  Select a situation in which you’d like to be more assertive.  “I’d like to tell my friends that I don’t want to go out with them every Friday night.”

 

• Observe how others act in the same situation.  “Debbie makes excuses.”  It works, but some people doubt her truthfulness.  Tom simply, “No, thank you.  I’d rather not.”

 

• Rehearse the scene – plan what you’ll say, how you’ll make your point.  Practice in front of the mirror to be sure you look and act assertive as well.

 

• Try your plan – “I don’t want to go out tonight.  I’d like to stay home and relax.”

 

• Evaluate what you’ve done – be critical, but don’t be too hard on yourself.  “I could improve my eye contact.  But – I was direct, I didn’t make excuses, and it worked!”

 

• Try again!  You can do it!

Assertiveness information obtained from:  Channing L. Bete Co., Inc.  About Assertiveness.  South Deerfield:  Channing L. Bete Co., Inc., 1996

 Handouts:

Assertive Communication.doc
Communication Skills.doc